deer missus milligun

 

deer missus milligun
its not dew to the snoe
but littal peter perkins
too the skool tooday cant go.
he isnt playeing snoebauls
ore rideing on a slay
butt littal peter perkins
too the skool cant go tooday.
he hasunt bilt a snoeman
ore speld his naym with wee
but littal peter perkins
is ill (AACHOO! – you sea).
hees prommissed he will stae in
and get his hoamwurk dun.
heel bee bak wen the snoe has gon.

sined,

peter perkins mum
xxx

 

 

How to make a caterpillar go mad

 

I studied really hard
And I studied really bad,
And discovered there’s no way
To make a caterpillar mad.

I dissected many of them
And I pulled apart their brains.
But to make them mad I couldn’t –
They just stayed completely sane.

I swapped bits of their bodies
And I mixed and matched their heads.
They still didn’t get crazy –
In fact all they got was dead.

I stretched them and I squeezed them
And I squashed them with a hammer,
And the worst effect it had on one
Was giving it a stammer.

“St...stop,” it said. “P...p...p...please.
It’s p...pointless what you do.
C...caterpillars don’t go mad.
The mad one here’s y...you.”

I thought about that for a while.
Course – what he said was true.
I’m as crazy as a box of frogs
For doing what I do.

I let him crawl away
And take his stammer and his stutter,
And as he did I saw him change
Into a fly of butter.

Now I’ve given up on all of that –
It’s such a waste of time.
I’m trying to find some answers
That will help all of mankind,

Like how do you make a worm reverse?
And exactly what’s a bumble?
And if you pull a fly’s wings off
Does it become a stumble?

But before I go and do this,
There’s one thing I’d like to add:
There really is no way
To make a caterpillar mad.

 

The swearing hedgehog

 

The swearing hedgehog said, “I don’t bleeping believe it, mum.
I’ve got a bleeping bristle poking in my bleeping bum.
It hurts like bleeping nothing that I’ve ever bleeping felt.
The bleeping bouts of bad luck that us bleeping beasts are dealt!
We’re bound by bleeping prickles and our bleeping legs are short.
Our nose is bleeping pointy and it’s always getting caught
In bleeping woodland holes where we are always trying to find
Bleeping creepy crawlies, despite us being bleeping blind.
Now I’m asking bleeping nicely, if you’d bleeping help me, mum,
To get this bleeping bristle from my bleeping bristly bum.”

And mum replied,
“HOLD BLEEPING STILL AND STOP BLEEPING SWEARING!!!”