Why animals don’t have computers

They bought a computer,
Took it home on a scooter,
The Mouse and the Kangaroo.

They unpacked the box,
Then they called wise old Fox
To clarify what they should do.

It all fitted nicely,
And connected precisely,
Just like the instructions required.

And before Alligator
Dropped round for potat’er
Nearly all of the system was wired.

“Now there’s just one thing left,
But I think we’re bereft
Of this item - I can’t see it here.”

So they all looked around
(Some looked up, some looked down),
Till the Kangaroo had an idea.

He jumped up off the floor,
Pointed straight out the door,
Shouted, “Look at that pig in a rocket!”

Whilst they fell for the joke,
The Mouse went up in smoke,
As he’d plugged its tail into the socket.

Well, the animals toasted,
As their smallest friend roasted,
And opened a bottle of bubbly.

Now the Mouse was connected,
And virus protected.
They were finally online. Lubbly-Jubbly.

A strange tribe

Whilst down in the woodland I found a new race
Who wore colourful clothes and put paint on their face.
They talked a strange language and had a strange smell.
Were they happy or angry? I just couldn’t tell.
They had hair down their backs and their claws, they were long.
They spoke in high voices and sometimes in song.
They took it in turns to perform a weird dance
Which I watched from my hideout, enthralled and entranced.
I forgot to stay hidden. They heard me I think.
They chased me and caught me and dressed me in pink.
They blushed up my cheeks, tied my hair up in curls,
And said, “That’ll teach you for spying on girls!”

Poemski

Old Man Polatski,
He lived in a flatski
And kept a black catski
And called him Big Fred.

Old Miss Kolowski,
She lived in a houseki,
Discovered a mouseki
And wanted it dead.

Said Old Miss Kolowski
To Old Man Polatski,
“Can you send your catski
To kill mouseki dead?”

Said Old Man Polatski
To Old Miss Kolowski,
“Big Fred will catch mouseki
And will be well fed.”

He picked up his catski,
Enjoying his napski
And said to him, “Catchski
A ratski, Big Fred!”

Polatski’s pet catski
Walked slow to the houseki
And found the poor mouseki
Asleep on the bed.

While Old Miss Kolowski
And Old Man Polatski
Stayed inside the flatski
Till mouseki was dead.

Catski chased mouseki
All over the houseki,
Upski and Downski
The two of them fled.

Then catski caught mouseki
(I’m not quite sure howski)
And said to it, “Mouseki,
I want us to wed.”

And mouseki to catski
Said, “But how is thatski?
You live in a flatski.
Please tell me, Big Fred.”

And catski to mouseki
Said, “Please listen nowski.
See, Old Miss Polowski,
She wanted your head.

She asked Old Polatski
To send this big catski
To kill a big ratski
Who lay on her bed.

But you’re a smart mouseki
And it’s a nice houseki,
So we should not rowski
But live here instead.”

So catski and mouseki,
They lived in the houseki
Without Miss Kolowski
And soon they were wed.

Kolowski? Polatski?
They’re still in the flatski.
And that, sir, is thatski,
And all is now said.