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The Books of Mike Lucas...

  
 

Tales from an Alien's Toe

ISBN 9780995997518

Poems...

  
 
   

I taiks me branes owt

Evry nite at ten o’clox
I puts me branes into a bocks.
You sea, me branes keaps me awaik
With verry stupids thawt he maik.
He maik me thinks of thing so badd.
He maik me worry’s - I gose madd.
He maik me cries - me mind go sadd.
But when he owt - he maik me glad.
It wurk it good just likes it shood
I sleepy likes a logg of wood.
But tooday me sillee thing
Forgets too putt me branes bak inn!

 

A lost leg

I didn’t even notice I’d chopped off my leg
Till I went out to buy me some shoes.
The saleslady asked if I needed some help,
Then she gave me some very bad news.
She said it appeared that the leg on my left
Had more length than the one on the right.
And then I remembered I must have dismembered
My leg on the previous night.

It was while I was chopping a tree in my garden
That I’d noticed my lace was undone.
So I’d bent down to tie it, my axe in my hand,
When across me a squirrel had run.
Well, it frightened me so and I jumped from my skin
And I fell head first into the tree.
Now I had to face facts - it was then that the axe
Must have chopped off my leg at the knee.

Alien in my brain

Oh, my gosh! There’s an alien in my brain.
It crawled inside my ear today and hasn’t come out again.
It flew through space onto my face.
It’s driving me insane.
Oh, my gosh! Get that alien out of my brain.

Oh, my gosh! There’s an alien on my toe.
It’s taking me to places that I really don’t want to go.
It hopped down there from who knows where.
What next? I do not know.
Oh, my gosh! Get that alien off my toe.

Oh, my gosh! There’s an alien up my nose.
It tried to hide and flew inside when I kicked up my toes.
What can I do? I sneezed, I blew.
I’m stuck with it, I s’pose.
Oh, my gosh! Get that alien down from my nose.

Oh, my gosh! There’s an alien in my belly.
It’s pushing on my button and it’s turned my legs to jelly.
I hope I don’t (I’m sure I won’t)
End up like that man on the telly.
Oh, my gosh! Get that alien out of my belly.

Oh, my gosh! There’s an alien up my bum.
I don’t know where it’s heading, but I know where it came from -
He’s travelled south from near my mouth
And passed right through my tum.
Oh, my gosh! Get that alien out of my bum.

Oh, my gosh! There’s an alien down my loo.
He came out of my bottom and I know just what to do.
He’ll have to stay that stinky way,
From heads to foot in poo.
Pull the flush! Send that alien down the loo!
   
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